A friend of mine recently shared a post about turning 4o…I edited it to share my take on turning 50…. the italicized comments are my edits.
Here are 40 other effed up things about being 40 50:
1. Other than Teen Mom, I have no clue what’s on MTV and I haven’t cared about MTV in 20 some years. Are they still on the air? Really?
2. When people say “middle-aged,” they might definitely mean me.
3. I can’t can wear sequins or anything I want to because I don’t care what you think…or I’ll look like Really, I don’t care if you think I am a cougar.
4. I’m more likely to forget to have sex than to forget to floss ….anything. I forget pretty much everything. .
5. If I eat chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, I’ve gained a size 2 sizes by dinnertime.
6. Even if I finally get a full night’s sleep, I still look like I was up all night. But not up all night doing something cool.
7. At the doctor’s office, I bypass Cosmopolitan and reach for Redbook. I’ll even read Family Circle. There are some great recipes in there. anything with pictures of women with their air brushed perfect bodies. I just look for the recipes…or take a nap…or watch TV in the waiting room.
I’m probably never going to be I was a Solid Gold Dancer. It’s my story, I can tell it like I want to.
9. Going out without makeup is seeming more and more like an aggressive act I am past trying to impress anyone.
10. The “me” in my head is like the foxy little sister of the “me” in the mirror.
11. Any girl can look cute like Rachel on Friends in her 20s. Only Jen Aniston looks cute like Rachel on Friends in her 40s.
12. If I strolled across a college campus, people would assume teacher or COOL Grandma, not student. (Upside: instant Ph.D!)
13. I’m old enough to drink, vote, rent a car and be elected to the highest office in the land. All that’s left on my age bucket list is admission to the AARP. Thanks, I’ll wait. Seriously, I will wait.
14. Most days, I choose comfort over style. I’m a traitor to my stilettos. I feel sorry for chicks wearing stilettos. I want to scream and warn them about bunions!
15. All the tanning I did in college is showing up now as brown blotches. Get a Sharpie and you could draw a cow all the constellations on my chest.
16. The Psychedelic Furs, Duran Duran and The Cure are now considered oldies. Who?
17. Everything I wore in high school has been appropriated ironically by hipsters. in style at least twice now. Nowadays it’s called “vintage”.
18. Only a forty and fifty something is old enough to remember the TV show Thirtysomething. More irony.
19. Oooh, my back.
20. Other than the Kardashians, I don’t recognize anyone in the tabloids. Who are these people and why are they famous?
21. Ages 31-
3 49 are a total blur. I’m scared I’ll blink and be 200.
22. All of sudden my tight mini-skirts make me look like I’m trying too hard scary. Hey old sluts, incoming at Goodwill!
23. Uhhh, my back.
24. The Real Housewives and I are, like, the same age. Where’s my butler? But most importantly, where is my Bentley?
25. It’s occurring to me that I might not ever visit every single beach on the planet, and I’m actually okay with that, which feels weird. I prefer Vegas or Bingo.
26. When I flirt with the cable guy, I don’t get extra channels for free anymore. (When you’re 50, you’ll figure it out).
27. I still think 21-year-old guys are hot. And they’re like, “Mom?” 21 year old guys think you’re hot and you’re like, “You’re the same age as my son!”
28. Why didn’t I take naked pictures of myself when I was 30? Or 40? Or 20?
29. I fantasize about taping up the sides of my face. Try it with your fingers — it takes 10 years off instantly. My cosmetic surgeon is on speed dial.
30. Cripes, my back.
31. Touching my toes is not a guarantee because it was never on my list of things to do. I can touch a lot of things…I don’t need to touch my toes.
Forget 50 Shades of Grey – is on my nightstand. is full of wrinkle cream and Bengay. The apothecary is open!
33. I even have one of those days-of-the-week vitamin boxes and I bedazzled it because they’re cool.
34. If I buy a turtle it’s included in my last will and testament. might outlive me.
35. The bad habits I still have are probably here to stay.
36. I say things like, “What’s the name of that actor, you know, he was in that thing?” ? Ummm…what were we just talking about?
37. I get a hangover from looking at like liquor.
38. The next milestone birthday is 50 who cares? I’m having fun!
39. Did I mention my I bought stronger reading glasses?
40. One Five words: “Ma’am.” “Life is short, enjoy it” (I don’t care what you call me as long as you call me).